Free speech absolutist Elon Musk has become dissatisfied with X/Twitter, as the social media site he bought to protect free speech has, for some unknown reason, banned numerous accounts, including credible journalists. I’m sure that has nothing to do with the fact they were all critical of him. Musk saw an opportunity to rectify this situation on Tuesday by buying into Trump’s Truth Social, and leaks have detailed how Musk went on a spending spree, pushing the company’s value up to $10 billion shortly after it went public, with the value dropped to $7.8 billion by the end of the day. By teaming up, Trump & Musk plan on losing yet more billions of dollars together defending hate speech. Sorry, I mean “free speech.” 

The genius business move makes complete sense for Musk. Just like X/Twitter, Truth Social is wildly overvalued and far from profitable. Its revenue was only $3.5 million in 2023, with expenses of well over $30 million. Apparently, advertisers don’t want to use either platform and associate themselves with the perfuse extremism, hate speech and violent rhetoric on them. Musk has claimed this is yet more evidence the “woke mind virus” is infiltrating America. After all, the American public has shown they love brands associated with nationalist, bigoted, fascistic racists. Just look at VW, Mercedes, Hugo Boss, Chanel, Ford, GM, Adidas, IBM and Soda Stream, just to name a few. Stock experts aren’t convinced though, and warn Truth Social’s current valuation is untethered to reality, just like Musk and Trump.

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Musk’s purchase is particularly good for Trump. Despite what the two claim, the First Amendment doesn’t protect speech “integral to illegal conduct and speech that incites imminent lawless action”, hence why Twitter could legally boot Trump off the site for inciting a little party at the Capitol on Jan 6th 2021. It also means that those vulnerable to violence or harm from criminal actions organised or incited using the unmoderated speech on Truth Social have a right to sue the platform for damages and even neglect of care. As Trump’s Lawyers have collectively shat the bed during his recent numerous criminal cases, having access to Elon’s crack squad of moral gymnastic performing, class action lawsuit-breaking, and union-busting lawyers will come in handy. That is, if Truth Social can gather enough users to actually incite anything meaningful.

Sadly, Trump currently can’t sell his shares or use them as collateral for a loan to cover his ever-growing legal fines and overdue bonds. There are lock-up rules in places which require him to leave his 69% stake (nice) alone for at least six months. But this doesn’t mean Trump will have to sell his Russian piss tapes or pawn off the last dregs of his decrepit soul to the devil to keep the wolves from his door. The Truth Social board could grant Trump a waiver, allowing him to sell his $5.3 billion stake. Seasoned investors are worried this would let Trump do a “Pump & Dump”, which, no, isn’t the sweaty autoerotic coprophilic morning routine Trump has had ever since Melania refused to bed the fake-tanned adult toddler. Though, I’m sure Trump finds such egocentric financial tactics equally masturbatory, and this would keep up his tradition of scamming his fans out of as much of their money as possible.

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*Disclaimer* all articles published by Beyond The Bull are satire. Some aspects of this story have been embellished. Take this piece seriously at your peril.

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After recent revelations that 500 Israeli families are ready to settle and build new towns in the Gaza Strip “immediately”, Disney, who rightfully gave Israel $2 million in aid after the horrific October 7th attack, but not a dime to Palestinian aid since, has announced they are planning to build a new Disneyland in Gaza. Disney has no theme parks in the Middle East; this real estate opportunity could solve that. It isn’t just Disney looking to capitalise in Gaza. Airbnb and Booking.com are looking to create and support accommodation in these new Gazan towns that give an authentic local experience, such as witnessing the horror of apartheid, settler violence, human rights breaches and, of course, genocide, all while you soak up the Mediterranean sun. As avid supporters of Israel, Volvo, Caterpillar, JCB and Hyundai have all pledged to provide a giant fleet of excavators to the Gaza settlers, as for some unknown reason, the real estate is covered in tonnes of rubble and the body parts of women and children.

Disney wanted to ensure the park focused on stories relevant to the region, so initial plans included a replica of Agrabah, the town from Aladdin. Sadly, these had to be scrapped over fears the IDF would accidentally blow it to smithereens. Instead, the section will celebrate X-Men’s Magneto, a superpower-wielding mutant Jewish holocaust survivor who called for the genocide of non-mutants so that the mutants could live in peace, but instead created even more hurtful anti-mutant sentiment in society. Israeli settlers see no irony in these plans.

Daniella Weiss, the head of the Israeli settler organisation (Nachala) - and definitely not a tasteless racist boomer - started all of this when she announced she had 500 Israeli families ready to settle in Gaza ASAP and had already drawn up plans for entire Israeli towns in Gaza. She insists all of this is morally acceptable as “normal Arabs do not want to live in Gaza.” Weiss fails to explain why Palestinians don’t want to live in Gaza, or rather can’t live in Gaza, but Israelis can and want to. Maybe Palestinians hate sand and prefer an alpine environment, and Israelis love being by the sea? No, that’s not it…

Some have cited Weiss’s and the Likud’s government rhetoric around resettlement as evidence of ethnic cleansing. It isn’t. The IDF is simply using indiscriminate lethal force to clear away an ethno-religious group from land they have occupied for centuries for some good beachfront real estate. Completely different.

There are questions over whether this new development will be profitable. Polls show that the vast majority of Israelis don’t want to resettle in Gaza. Apparently, it has something to do with it being a mass graveyard of a catastrophic genocide, and for some reason, Jews have an aversion to being around such horrific crimes against humanity? Either that or it’s because most Israelis, and Jews for that matter, aren’t psychopathic genocidal racists and actually self-aware decent people.

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*Disclaimer* all articles published by Beyond The Bull are satire. Some aspects of this story have been embellished. Take this piece seriously at your peril.

The Frankenstein offspring of a discarded Big Mac, an out-of-date bottle of fake tan and a recently yaked-up hairball, also known as Trump, has accused liberal media of attempting to help his presidential campaign by misquoting him. Liberal outlets had a field day last weekend, reporting that at an Ohio rally, Trump called for a “bloodbath” if he wasn’t reelected. In reality, that statement came after Trump declared he would save the US auto industry by putting a 100% tariff on Chinese cars being imported to the US from Mexico, and immediately went on to say that if he isn’t reelected, “there would be a bloodbath for the… that’s going to be the least of it for the country.” Conservative outlets have decried the liberal coverage as fake news, claiming he was talking specifically about the auto industry, not inciting another insurrection. Trump, on the other hand, has accused the liberal media of trying to help him reach more voters by widely publicising his fascistic dog whistle out loud. Sadly, Trump can’t have his voter base see him being so favourably covered by the liberals as it confuses them, so he has insisted they stop.

Trump’s ex-campaign manager and likely campaign manager for 2024, Paul Manafort, has recognised this as a potentially brilliant strategy. By barely burying dog whistles, the liberal media can’t help but accuse Trump of saying the horrific things he actually wants to say. With this strategy, Trump has plausible deniability and can influence media across the political spectrum to spout his rhetoric, all while having a seemingly legitimate reason to smear liberal media as fake news. I mean, what are the chances that these left-leaning outlets will spend the time crafting quality reports that explain the nuances and subtext of Trump’s inane ramblings? What’s more, with this strategy, there is no need for any financial fraud this time! It’s literally a win-win for him.

What’s interesting is what the liberal media didn’t cover. While Trump’s tariff plan is brilliant and original and in no way violates the free market solutions, so beloved by capitalists like Trump, it’s not like Biden isn’t doing something about this problem already. Biden’s administration is actively considering banning Mexican-built “smart” Chinese vehicles on security grounds, just as Trump banned Huawei. After all, Mr. “Tesla’s will drive themselves next year” Musk is far more trustworthy than anything from China. But for some reason, many liberal media outlets forgot to mention this crucial detail and instead focused on the bloodbath comment. I mean, why would they? Their job isn’t reporting actual politics.

Like the liberal media, Biden and Harris have released a statement condemning Trump’s bloodbath comments, claiming that Trump “wants another January 6, but the American people are going to give him another electoral defeat this November because they continue to reject his extremism, his affection for violence, and his thirst for revenge.” This is clear evidence Biden has finally gone senile, as he can’t remember the US’s long history of extreme, violent, revengeful and occasionally antidemocratic actions towards pretty much every South American Country, Korea, Vietnam, Cambodia, the Civil Rights Movement, the Gulf Wars, the Iraqi invasion, occupation of Afghanistan and many more.

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*Disclaimer* all articles published by Beyond The Bull are satire. Some aspects of this story have been embellished. Take this piece seriously at your peril.

Bad news. Trump still can’t get a bond loan for his $454 million New York fraud trial appeal bond. Moreover, his OnlyFans has failed to garner enough traction to pay. New York Attorney General Letitia James plans to put a lien on Trump Tower if Trump can’t cough up and proposes to turn the Manhattan complex into the world’s tallest Mosque to service New York’s 1.5 million Muslims if Trump loses his appeal. In fact, Trump’s penthouse will be turned into the world’s highest and most cramped minaret. As Trump is not a narcissistic and racist bigot who has a high likelihood of losing the appeal and is only really appealing to try and not have a multi-billion dollar fraud charge against his name during the election, he is fine with Letitia’s plans. That being said, Trump isn’t taking this lying down and is trying to find an alternative way to pay to save his pride and joy.

But why can’t Trump pay? He is a billionaire many times over, right?

Well, it’s all down to Trump’s brilliant business strategy. You see, by massively overvaluing his properties to banks and other financial institutions, some by as much as 2300%, a move that is definitely not fraudulent at all, at least for people as important as Trump, he can use all that extra borrowing to buy more assets and appear way richer. Now, of course, those damn democratic judges who crookedly follow the letter of the law will eventually find him guilty of “fraud.” But, you see, Trump’s entire real estate empire will be in negative equity, meaning each property has more borrowed against it than it is actually worth. That way, Trump can’t sell his properties or even use them as collateral for a loan to pay for an appeal bond! What a genius businessman.

However, a famous billionaire like Trump has many more ways to raise funds than banks. He has friends in high places willing to back him all the way!

Trump has already called up his close friend and on-again-off-again supporter Elon Musk to see if he can lend him a few hundred million. Sadly, Musk is having money troubles too. Something about borrowing $22.4 billion in loans to buy a barely profitable company worth only $14.6 billion. Sounds like he shares Trump’s sharp business acumen.

He then tried to contact his old brilliant finance guy, the one with the lovely island. Sadly, it turns out he died while on suicide watch a few years ago. Trump doesn’t think this is suspicious, as he believes “suicide watch” is a show where you watch someone commit suicide.

Dejected, Trump then turned to payday loan lenders. After all, Trump believes that he will become president next January, no matter the election outcome, and he can make another $1.6 billion during his next term, just as he did in his previous one, to pay off the loan. But sadly, payday loans are illegal in New York.

Luckily for Trump, there is one last place he could raise the funds: his backers. Surely, his donors, who are themselves billionaires and have paid him millions in political backing in the past, would be happy to lend him this money. After all, they want to give his 2024 bid the best possible chance. Sadly, none of them are willing to lend! It’s almost like they don’t believe he can win the appeal, or have faith in his 2024 bid, or even his ability to lead a successful coup.

Trump isn’t the kind of guy to beg for leniency from the court, so instead, he is looking at selling his other assets to pay the bond. Trump has put a load of government documents on eBay after finding another crusty toilet block at Mar-A-Logo full of them. He is even planning on auctioning off his semen, as surely people who pay top dollar for billionaire DNA. Sadly, auction houses aren’t as optimistic, as he has proven to be a sire that produces chinless slack-jaw idiots with as much self-awareness and intelligence as a loud wet fart in a packed elevator.

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*Disclaimer* all articles published by Beyond The Bull are satire. Some aspects of this story have been embellished. Take this piece seriously at your peril.

Tory backbenchers are proverbially crapping themselves that Mr charisma himself, Rishi Sunak, can’t win the looming general election. He’s going up against a democracy-crushing, war crime-enabling, knighted lawyer with the persona of a yet-to-be-used toilet brush, so it’s no wonder Sunak is lagging in the polls. Some backbenchers have suggested that serial liar, ardent Brexiteer and Leader of the House of Commons, Penny Mordaunt should replace Sunak before the general election, as she is presently the highest polling Tory, even topping Boris. But Mordaunt’s popularity rating is only 24%, and despite the Tories wanting to continue their tradition of undermining feminism through catastrophic female leadership, many are arguing Mordaunt isn’t the answer. Instead, they insist that 21st-century problems require 21st-century solutions and suggest secretly replacing Sunak with a ChatGPT-enabled Mr Potato Head.

When you think about it, such a move is utterly genius.

ChatGPT can’t have an original idea and instead just rehashes work from decades ago, which people have already seen and hated. It makes random incorrect facts up out of thin air to support its arguments. It racially profiles people and leans into institutionalised racism. It doesn’t have the capacity to think, understand the issues at hand or contemplate the repercussions of its actions; instead, it spouts what it incorrectly thinks is the most popular answer. It is also actively causing water and energy crises (through the sheer power it consumes). It’s almost like ChatGPT was trained on Tory leadership, as Cameron, May, Johnson, Truss, and Sunak have been doing all this for years.

What’s more, ChatGPT has the same weakness as the Tory party. It’s producing so much AI-generated bumph that soon it will end up being trained on its own output, causing the AI to effectively eat itself alive and become so erratic and unstable that it becomes useless. The Tory party’s racist dog-whistling and ideological one-upping over the past 14 years has created the same echo chamber effect, causing an already Thatcherite extreme party to become deranged and fundamentally broken.

As such, the post-capitalistic nightmare fuel that is ChatGPT is the perfect face for the Tory party.

But there are some worries about this plan. Many have questioned whether the system can be trusted with the UK’s nuclear weapons and how the AI might inadvertently start WW3. The MoD has assured this won’t be a problem, as the UK’s nuclear weapons are utterly useless, as the recent Trident test demonstrated.

Elon Musk, the self-appointed king of AI who can’t even design a self-driving car that doesn’t kill people, let alone solve the trolley problem, has denounced the move and is looking to sue OpenAI to stop it from gaining such governmental control and unleashing the AI apocalypse. As a side note, Musk has also offered the Tories his anti-woke ChatGPT alternative, Grok, for the Potato Head position, which many Tories think is a better choice. After all, with Grok, the UK will die while its leader profusely uses the N-word, spouts transphobia and repeatedly claims that that mermaid should have been white. It will be like nothing has changed.

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*Disclaimer* all articles published by Beyond The Bull are satire. Some aspects of this story have been embellished. Take this piece seriously at your peril.

The Guardian recently reported that Frank Hester, who gave the Tory Party a whopping £10 million last year, claimed Dianne Abbot made him want to “hate all black women” and that she “should be shot.” Dianne Abbot, the UK’s first black female MP, is no stranger to such hateful criticism, having received death threats for fumbling basic maths numerous times. However, as Liz Truss, George Osbourne, and Jeremy Hunt have shown, this numerical incompetency isn’t down to race, gender or political affiliation. As such, these revelations have led to heated debate from all corners of UK politics around the issue of racism in politics.

Michael Gove has insisted that Hester’s remarks were wrong but not extremist. After all, racism isn’t an extremist ideology. In separate news, Gove has claimed that a suspicious costume found at Hester’s residency is, in fact, a hilarious ghost costume from the Tory Party’s 2020 lockdown Halloween party.

Experts are not surprised Gove can’t enforce the UK Government’s new definition of extremist. The new legislation classifies anyone who “aims to negate or destroy fundamental rights of others or undermine the UK’s system of democracy and democratic rights” as extremist. Hester’s remarks fit this definition perfectly. However, both the Labour and Tory Parties are also classified as extremists under this definition. Keir Starmer vocally supported Israel’s move to cut off water and energy to Gaza, a literal war crime, and has circumvented democratic processes to ensure his MPs don’t rebel against him and overwhelmingly vote in favour of a ceasefire in Gaza. Likewise, Rishi Sunak has given Israel and the IDF diplomatic cover to commit a possible genocide, as well as restricting UK citizen’s rights to protest, which is a crucial democratic right. As such, this legislation is a bit pot kettle black. Funnily enough, Hester hates pots and kettles, too.

Luckily, Gove and other Tories aren’t taking this legislation literally and are instead using it to crack down on the real evils in society, such as ceasefire demonstrators, climate demonstrators, any particularly vocal Muslims, anyone who wants to look out for the poor, anyone who disapproves of privatisation, and anyone who criticises Israel, even a little.

Starmer who, let’s not forget was once a humanitarian lawyer, has yet to challenge the Tory Party’s inconsistent use of this new legislation and its inability to use it against Hester. I’m sure this has nothing to do with the fact some of his donors are currently engaged in Islamophobic rhetoric and are supporting a potential genocide.

The public has overwhelmingly called for Sunak to give back Hester’s tainted funds and for a new standard to be set for political parties to not accept backing from anyone who displays such racist or discriminatory tendencies. Sunak has condemned Hester’s remarks as racist but has also refused to give back the funds and set this new standard, as such a standard would effectively defund the Tory Party.

To solve this widespread issue, rights groups have suggested that the £117 million set aside to protect Muslims from hate attacks be expanded, both in budget and in scope, to protect all minorities from the two political parties. Sadly, Jeremy Hunt simply can’t find room in his budget, as he would have to cut down on Tory corruption in order to afford such a scheme.

Possibly the most realistic solution to this issue so far comes from Keir Starmer, who has said he intends to legalise assisted dying. This way, the barely functioning Tory Party can be put out of its painful misery and die with at least a morsel of dignity. This will give retribution for Dianne and other victims of racism, but sadly won’t do anything for the smeared ceasefire protestors or the British Muslims whose family members have been killed in Palestine, in part by Starmer’s foreign policy.

*Disclaimer* all articles published by Beyond The Bull are satire. Some aspects of this story have been embellished. Take this piece seriously at your peril.

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Tyrannical Hungarian PM and long-time Trump supporter Viktor Orbán has claimed that Trump will end the Ukrainian-Russian war by not giving Ukraine a single penny in military aid and instead spend the funds on incontinent Russian sex workers for himself. This will solve the Ukrainian conflict in the same way that Trump’s friend Epstein solved his legal woes. Orbán’s revelations break just hours after Trump’s ex-chief of staff, John Kelly, claimed Trump repeatedly spoke to him about how much he adored Putin and Kim Jong-un and even how Hitler “did some good things.” Kelly has even claimed that Trump tried to show him his best goose step, though he couldn’t manage more than a few poorly executed steps without his trousers falling down.

Orbán has relayed Trump’s plan to Putin, who has agreed to the terms as long as an FSB agent can record Trump with the sex workers so that he can really pad out his Trump blackmail dossier. Upon hearing the news, Russian sex workers have declared they have “seized the means of production” by unionising and refusing to service Trump in protest against the Ukrainian invasion and the death of Navalny. An aide has tried to explain this situation to Trump, though they are having a hard time explaining to him that “seizing the means of production” and “grab them by the pussy” mean very different things.

Multiple high-level Republicans have come out to condemn Trump’s plan, as it would still send American money overseas, and are imploring him to use good old American prostitutes instead. However, they are insisting Trump uses his Presidential Immunity rather than legalise sex work, as they can’t bear the thought of them pushing any remotely progressive legislation. Plus, it being illegal is half of the fun for them. Raytheon, Lockheed Martin and other members of the military-industrial complex share the same concerns as the GOP and are looking to start pimping in the Russian domestic market to ensure revenue stays stable if Trump is elected.

A bipartisan group of ex-presidents and high-ranking politicians have banded together to write Trump a formal letter addressing his proposed Ukraine plans. The letter reportedly assures Trump that he can continue to solicit prostitutes and carry on the presidential tradition of sexual misbehaviour without sacrificing European safety and peace, as he is the one going bankrupt from court fines, not the US government.

*Disclaimer* all articles published by Beyond The Bull are satire. Some aspects of this story have been embellished. Take this piece seriously at your peril.

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Republicans are worried about Trump after his Georgia rally on Saturday. During the event, Trump seemed to forget he had lost two multi-million dollar defamation cases against E. Jean Carroll for refuting her sexual assault allegations and continued to defame her at the event. During the rally, he stated, “I just posted a $91 million bond on a fake story. Totally made up story.” This is nearly verbatim the claims Trump made back in 2021 that caused the second E. Jean Carroll case, which resulted in an $83.3 million fine for Trump. Top Republicans are worried this is yet more evidence Trump is senile, as the 77-year-old has either forgotten about a woman he sexually assaulted (mind you, how can he keep track?) or forgotten he lost in two high-profile court cases.

Trump’s aides have assured Republican leaders that Trump’s cognitive abilities are fully intact. They have pointed out that Trump is highly likely to lose a third case against Carroll. The aides claimed Trump knows this and is using it as a tax-efficient way for him to buy E. Jean Carroll a mega yacht as a way of an apology, as court fines are tax-deductible.

The Republican leaders decided not to inform the aides that court fines aren’t tax-deductible.

E. Jean Carroll is preparing to sue Mr Trump for a third time, which she will surely win. This is not because Trump’s Lawyer, Alina Habba, who claimed that she would rather be pretty than clever as she can “fake being clever”, is one of the most useless trial lawyers in US history and incapable of faking competency, let alone intelligence. Instead, it is because Trump has made it evident that the $83.3 million fine, which was only so high as to ensure he wouldn’t continue defaming Carroll, hasn’t deterred him from doing it again. As such, not only will Trump undoubtedly lose a third trial, but he will be slapped with even greater fines.

As with Trump’s New York Fraud trial, Trump’s legal team are already claiming that raising such funds will be impossible. Carroll’s legal team has assured them this isn’t a problem, as Carroll is willing to possess Trump Tower and Mr Trump’s other real estate assets — that is, assuming their true value is high enough to cover the court fines.

*Disclaimer* all articles published by Beyond The Bull are satire. Some aspects of this story have been embellished. Take this piece seriously at your peril.

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The Supreme Court has reversed a Colorado court’s decision to disqualify Donald Trump from the 2024 election for engaging in insurrection on January 6th, 2021. In making this bipartisan decision, the predominantly Republican Supreme Court also found that insurrection is a constitutional right. As such, they have not only reinstated Donald Trump on the 2024 ballot but have declared that Adolf Hitler, Benito Mussolini, Vladimir Lenin, Yevgeny Prigozhin, Fidel Castro, Emilio Mola and Saif al-Adel of Al-Qaeda can also run for President.

The Supreme Court initially tried to argue that Section 3 of the 14th Amendment was incorrectly recorded. For over a century, this section of the 14th Amendment prohibited anyone who had sworn an oath to uphold the Constitution and “engaged in insurrection” from holding public office. However, the Justices insisted the scribe misheard, and the original agreed-upon section actually prohibited anyone who had “engaged in sin erection”. This argument was quickly dropped when they realised the Stormy Daniels affair could take Trump off the 2024 ballot.

Instead, the Court took a new direction and drew from the US’s rich history of toppling regimes, supporting coups, and inciting insurrections in foreign countries. After all, if the US government has the right to overthrow peaceful and/or democratic governments in Hawaii, The Philippines, Honduras, Cuba, Nicaragua, The Dominican Republic, Argentina, Chile, Panama, Venezuela and many more to access their resources or ensure US economic domination by installing totalitarian dictators, then US citizens surely have the same right to overthrow their own democratic government and install an autocratic despotic demagogue.

This argument worked, and the Supreme Court has now enshrined insurrection as a Constitutional right for all US citizens.

Reactions across the political spectrum have been vivid. The Democrats have condemned the ruling, though they have gleefully stationed reaper drones around Washington in preparation, while Republicans have cheered these newfound “freedoms.” Interestingly enough, the most vocal support for the ruling has come from the Ku Klux Klan, the American Nazi Party, Al-Qaeda, ISIS and the Taliban, who all agree that insurrection is a crucial part of any functioning country.

The ruling has also caused a stir in the US media. Fox News has bought the broadcasting rights to Inauguration Day in perpetuity and plans to cover the ensuing conflicts at the Capitol in a Super Bowl-style media spectacle. Tucker Carlson, Sean Hannity and the QAnon Shaman are slated to host the maiden Inauguration Day Live show, with a half-time performance from Kid Rock. Bookmakers have also scrambled to capitalise on the upcoming Inauguration Day and media extravaganza and are currently offering 2 to 1 odds on Biden and Trump having a bare-knuckle fistfight on the US Capitol’s lawn during the event.

*Disclaimer* all articles published by Beyond The Bull are satire. Some aspects of this story have been embellished. Take this piece seriously at your peril.

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The Department of Defence (DoD) inspector general has released a report detailing how prescription drugs, including Ambien and Provigil, and controlled substances, such as methamphetamines (Speed), were widely used in the Trump administration with little to no oversight. Not only were these drugs given to stressed and overworked administrative roles, but also those within the Trump cabinet. Trump has confirmed the allegations, claiming that a cocktail of Speed, Diet Coke, and McDonald’s is his secret sauce for combating old age and staying as sharp as a whippet. In fact, the 77-year-old insisted that the only reason he keeps confusing Biden for Obama is that he no longer has access to the White House pharmacy. But the report detailed more than just Trump’s usage.

Michael Flynn was given high dosages of benzodiazepines to calm his anxiety during the Muller investigation. Sadly, Flyyn was given so much that he lost his memory of ever having communications with Russia, causing him to inadvertently lie to Vice President Mike Pence, which led to his swift firing. Jeff Sessions has also tried to copy Flyyn and claim that the benzodiazepines he was given made him forget about those two times he had communications with Russia, causing him to accidentally lie to Congress while under oath. Sadly, the report shows he was only given marijuana with the explicit purpose to “chill out and be less racist”.

The report also details that the ex-Republican Senate Leader Mitch McConnell was using vast quantities of Ambien to ensure he slept soundly, despite the piercing cries of those he denied medical care access. In fact, many are speculating that his Ambien abuse over the years is what caused him to repeatedly freeze up like my old Microsoft laptop.

Possibly, the most significant revelation from the report attains to one of Trump’s ex-advisors, George Nader. Nader, a paedophile with convictions going back to the 90s, was instrumental in Trump’s 2016 election campaign and remained close to him during the early years of his administration. Nader has claimed that repeated use of controlled drugs and prescription drugs given to him by the Trump administration induced psychosis, leading to him possessing CP and bestiality images on his phone, for which he was convicted for in 2019. Sadly, the report doesn’t back up his claims and only details him being given Viagra and Rohypnol; for what purposes, it doesn’t specify.

Medical experts have denounced the Trump Administration’s use of drugs and have refuted Trump’s claims that methamphetamines are effective at combating the cognitive decline of ageing. In fact, they have pointed out that repeated use can cause irritability, aggression, paranoia, mental illness and acute psychotic episodes. Of course, there is zero evidence Trump is suffering from any of these side effects…

Interestingly, Trump’s layers tasked with defending his Jan 6th insurrection attempt have used these revelations to pivot their entire defence. Rather than claiming Trump had Presidential Immunity and can’t be prosecuted for the insurrection, why is by no means an admission of guilt, they are now claiming that Trump was under the influence of Speed and cocaine at the time, which he was using to medicate his anxiety and depression caused by losing the election. Sadly, it turns out that inciting an insurrection under the influence is still a crime in the USA.

*Disclaimer* all articles published by Beyond The Bull are satire. Some aspects of this story have been embellished. Take this piece seriously at your peril.

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The US has carried out its first airdrop of humanitarian aid into Gaza. The aim is to solve the famine crisis facing the besieged Gazan population by supplying the over 600,000 people facing severe food insecurity with 38,000 meals. US officials have argued that since Jesus would have been an Arab Palestinian Jew, Gazans should also be able to make these meals stretch and feed the 5,000 just like he did. The mission also airdropped apology letters to Rafah to reassure the starving populace that our thoughts and prayers are with them. Sadly though, so are our bombs and bullets. US officials have insisted this mission is not a thinly veiled attempt to avoid being found complicit in genocide by South Africa’s ongoing case against Israel at the ICJ. Instead, they claim this is just another example of the US conducting yet more of its famously empathetic, kind, and law-abiding actions in the Middle East.

According to reports, the airdropped letters apologised to the displaced, wounded, starving and bereaving survivors of the US’s arming, supplying billions of dollars of funds and giving global diplomatic cover to a government and military that has conducted collective punishment against them, routinely breached their human rights, held them in an open-air prison for decades, used illegal weapons against them, channelled funds to terrorists within their borders, destroyed their healthcare system, demolished 70% of their homes, illegally detained hundreds of citizen in inhuman conditions, called for the complete annexation and occupation of their land, referred to them as “human animals” and compared them to “Amalek”. We are yet to find out how survivors in Gaza have responded to this rare, honest and transparent admission by the US, as journalists aren’t allowed into Gaza, and American bullets and bombs have somehow killed all Palestinian journalists and their families.

As such, the US has no credible way to verify whether these letters or the aid has made it to those in Rafah. As such, they have supplied the IDF with Massive Ordnance Penetrator (MOP) bombs, also known as Bunker Busters, to ensure even those sheltering in Rafah receive the aid.

Israeli state spokesman Eylon Levi has applauded the airdrop, claiming they show how humanitarian their conflict with Hamas is whilst conveniently avoiding why the US had to resort to airdropping the aid rather than delivering via the roadways the IDF are blockading and why Gazans need this level of aid in the first place. Despite military funding and arms supply continuing to flow unimpeded from the US to Israel, even in the face of credible genocide accusations, Netanyahu and other Israeli representatives are not as happy as Eylon about the airdrop and have accused Joe Biden and the US Air Force of being Hamas Sympathisers. In unrelated news, the IDF has announced there is a crucial Hamas HQ underneath the White House and is planning to take it out in the coming days.

*Disclaimer** This is satire, and aspects of this story have been embellished. For those who might misinterpret this piece, I want to make it 100% clear that I am strongly against antisemitism and Islamaphobia. I am specifically criticising the Israeli state and Hamas, not the wider religious groups or populations, and I deeply mourn the horrific loss of life on both sides of this idiotic conflict.

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UK Prime Minister Rishi Sunak recently warned police chiefs of a “growing consensus that mob rule is replacing democratic rule” and, in a recent speech, claimed extremist groups in the UK are “trying to tear us apart”. This comes after the widespread public backlash of the UK government’s support of Israel’s actions in Gaza. Sunak, The UK’s third unelected prime minister in a row, has planned to expand the UK’s new anti-protesting laws to a full-blown Police State to solve the “mob rule” problem, also known as democracy.

The move has been horrific for Sunak’s chances in the upcoming election, as they have boosted his disapproval rating to 73%, a record high for any conservative. This is not surprising as 71% of the UK supports an immediate ceasefire in Gaza and, by extension, those “mob rule” marches. This shouldn’t be a problem, though, as Sunak plans on launching the Police State in time for the general election to ensure this mob rule doesn’t mess with UK democracy and only the 19% of the country that is satisfied with his leadership votes.

Sunak’s opposition Keir Starmer, who defended Israel’s right to cut off water to Gaza (which is a literal crime against humanity) and who is accused of pressuring the House of Commons Speaker to subvert democracy to crush his Labour MPs rebelling and voting in favour of a ceasefire, has applauded Sunak’s Police State plans. However, he has stated that he will only support the move if he can use the Police Force against his own pesky MPs from using their democratic rights and representing their constituents.

Human rights group Amnesty International has stated that the PM has “wildly exaggerated the issue.” However, Tory insiders have claimed that Amnesty International has misunderstood Sunak’s speech and plans. According to this insider, the extremists “trying to tear us apart” Sunak is referring to are those within his own party and cabinet. Such as Suella Braverman, who has pushed the human rights-breaching Rwanda bill and called the recent ceasefire demonstrations “hate marches”, Lee Anderson, who refused to apologise for claiming London Mayor Sadiq Khan is controlled by Islamists for not openly supporting genocide and stamping out Gaza protests, and Lizz Truss who’s brashly implemented economic ideology nearly bankrupted the entire country, deepening the cost of living crisis to levels unseen since the 1950s. These insiders have claimed the Police State Sunak has proposed is intended to hold these politicians accountable to the same hate speech and liability laws ordinary citizens face.

However, any hopes of Sunak’s Police State having any real effect on politicians are slim, as the Met Police has been found to be institutionally racist, misogynistic and homophobic. So in Sunak’s totalitarian Police State daydream, the Tories and Labour can continue without being held accountable, and despite calling ourselves a democracy, political parties and the government will continue fragrantly not to represent us and laugh at even the notion of accountability.

*Disclaimer* all articles published by Beyond The Bull are satire. Some aspects of this story have been embellished. Take this piece seriously at your peril.

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Netanyahu recently announced new insights into the heinous October 7th Hamas attack. According to Israeli sources, Hamas used a secret crack squad of foetus insurgents during the barbaric attack. The IDF has stated that they are already in the process of eliminating these dangerous individuals. One such individual, a two-month-old baby who took part in the October 7th attack before they were born as only a 7-month-old foetus, recently died from starvation caused by Israel’s besieging of Gaza. The Israeli state has since found that the entire child and infant population of Gaza were active Hamas insurgents on October 7th. As such, Netanyahu and the IDF will continue using their highly targeted and humanitarian method of driving 90% of the Gazan population into crisis levels of starvation to hold those directly responsible for the horrific October 7th onslaught to account. World leaders are capitalising on this even to secure their own power.

Rishi Sunak and Joe Biden were enthralled by how efficient and precise these Israeli counter-attacks have been. In fact, they have questioned why they need to continue to supply the IDF with bullets, missiles, bombs, white phosphorus, fighter jets, tanks and billions of dollars of military aid if a simple besieging will do the trick. Nonetheless, they aren’t planning on stopping their costly lethal care packages for Netanyahu, as supporting a good war is always a surefire way to win an election you would otherwise lose.

Keir Starmer, Labour leader and odds-on for the next UK Prime Minister, followed his experienced aides’ advice to use this delicate matter to bolster his upcoming campaign. Starmer curtailed UK democracy to squash a landslide rebellion among his MPs who, for some unknown reason, wanted to vote in favour of a ceasefire and delivery of humanitarian aid in Gaza. Starmer threatened the house speaker, ensuring the vote wouldn’t take place. This move is a sure bet to win the next election, as the UK public has historically loved tyrannical warmongers; just look at Blair.

To avoid any possible legal backlash to the US’s support of Israel’s infant killing, they have airdropped a handful of Pot Noodles into Gaza, and an Alabama court has simply ruled that bearly multicellular frozen embryos have the rights of a fully formed human child, while an actual Palestinian child does not.

Possibly the most interesting response to these new insights has been from Netanyahu himself. During a recent press conference on the discovery of the foetal insurgence, Netanyahu was asked, “Did your historic actions such as rejecting Palestinian statehood, curtailing democratic peace processes, propping up Gazan terrorist organisations, using illegal weapons against Palestinians, illegally detaining Palestinians, repeatedly denying Palestinian’s basic human rights, targeting and killing Palestinian impartial journalists, destroying inhabited Palestinian refugee camps, repeatedly killing clearly surrendering Palestinian civilians and targeting and killing Palestinian aid and medical workers cause the radicalisation that lead to the vast number of embryonic Hamas operatives?” Netanyahu put a clothes peg on his nose and replied, “No, my brilliant nationalist policies had no hand in creating this mess.” The reporter then asked, “Are the families of those killed or captured on October 7th satisfied that you didn’t catalyse that terrible day? And are they pleased with your military response in Gaza?” Netanyahu answered “Yes” so quickly his clothes peg fell off, and the reeking stench of his recently-spouted bullshit caused him to pass out on the spot ending the press conference abruptly.

**Disclaimer** This is satire, and aspects of this story have been embellished. To read the factual news stories that inspired it, go to Aljazeera, ONS, US News, GRC and the WSJ. For those who might misinterpret this piece, I want to make it 100% clear that I am strongly against antisemitism and Islamaphobia. I am specifically criticising the Israeli state and Hamas, not the wider religious groups or populations, and I deeply mourn the horrific loss of life on both sides of this idiotic conflict.

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On Wednesday, Donald Trump counter-offered his $454 million fraud penalty, proposing he could only pay $100 million. This comes after Trump’s attorneys argued that paying the total penalty would be “impossible” as the court has blocked Trump from borrowing. In response, New York Attorney General Letitia James pointed out Trump has $600 million in liquid assets and apparently has a $2.3 billion property empire, which he can use to pay the penalty; otherwise, she will seize his assets. Trump’s attorneys rebuffed this threat, stating that Trump can’t spend his liquid assets or sell properties as he has a medical condition called “Compulsive Greediness”. CG is still a little-known condition in medical science, though it is believed most boomers suffer severely from it. Despite copious evidence of Trump suffering from this horrific medical condition, the court dismissed Trump’s counter-offer. As such, Trump has launched an OnlyFans to pay for his fraud penalty.

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Paying fans can watch trump screw minorities, the economy, geopolitical stability and the climate, as well as copious amounts of self-fellatio. Trump is also offering a premium tier where you can watch videos of him teaching you how to grab pussy, him being dominated by Putin, and him doing ASMR, where he yells and slurs racist self-congratulatory gibberish in your ear for over an hour. Tucker Carlson and Marjorie Taylor Greene are encouraging fellow Republicans to buy the premium tier, as they claim Trump is the perfect representation of honest Republican Christian morals.

Biden has used this as an opportunity to bolster his presidential campaign and launched his own OnlyFans. On Biden’s rival page, you can watch him fuck up the Middle East, inappropriately touch women, pull out too quickly and forget what he is doing in the middle of intercourse. Unlike Trump’s page, Biden’s profits will go directly to his mate Netanyahu and the IDF. Sadly, the page isn’t selling well; buyers are waiting to see if Bernie Sanders or Michelle Obama will release their Only Fans.

In contrast, Trump’s OnlyFans has been so wildly popular that the poor old real estate mogul has announced he is on track to keep his billion-dollar property empire and liquid assets. Some analysts have called into question whether Trump is actually turning a profit on this content, as the cost of a daily full-body spray fake tan and single-use lifelike penis extensions is likely exceeding the page’s current revenue. This issue is compounded by the fact Trump is being sued for fraud and false advertising over the page, as the only content posted so far is of him eating a burger naked whilst posting gobshite on Truth Social. I guess you can’t teach a very old, racist, tyrannical, pathological lying, avaricious dog new tricks.

*Disclaimer* all articles published by Beyond The Bull are satire. Some aspects of this story have been embellished. Take this piece seriously at your peril.

While Republicans agree with the ideology that led to an Alabama court ruling that frozen embryos have the rights of children, they are up in arms over the knock-on effects. You see, as IVF can’t be conducted without destroying unneeded or unviable frozen embryos, the practice has been halted in Alabama thanks to this ruling. This, in turn, will significantly reduce the child labour workforce, which Republican lawmakers have been dependent on to solve labour shortage issues and ensure their backer’s profits stay at a record high. It isn’t just Republicans who have denounced the knock-on effects of this ruling, as almost every aspect of society is having to adjust to accommodate it.

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Hyundai, McDonald’s and 833 other US companies that rely on domestic child labour have formed a cross-industry lobbying group to fund pro-choice activists, politicians and to pay for legal representation of IVF clinicians who are arrested for murder. The group has stated that this is the most efficient way to secure their workforce. Apple, Nike and Nestlé have advised the lobby group that instead, they should use foreign child labour, as this expendable workforce is 100% legal, even more reliable, more secure, cheaper and harder working than US child labour.

The Colonel of the Alabama State Police was forced to sit through a “gross and shocking” two-hour sex education lecture to understand the implications of this ruling. During the lecture, he was horrified to discover that after fertilisation, only 35% of eggs implant into the womb successfully, and the rest are naturally flushed out during the woman’s next period. As such, police forces across Alabama have informed any women who are menstruating after unprotected sex, who have suffered a miscarriage, or who have had life-saving emergency abortions for dangerous, nonviable pregnancies to hand themselves in at the nearest Police station for immediate arrest and lifetime sentencing for murder.

Big Pharma is also outraged at this ruling. Morning After Pills, also known as Plan B Pills, have been classified as a lethal weapon. As such, they are to be sold alongside semi-automatic weapons and will require a background check and a 10-day waiting period to purchase, even in Alabama. As such, sales of the profitable drug are set to plummet. To combat this, Big Pharma has joined the NRA to ensure embryonic weaponry is protected under the Second Amendment and lift all weapon sale controls, including Morning After Pills.

But Republicans plan to utilise their famous moral consistency to solve this dilemma. In line with their pro-life stance, Republicans have announced that they will roll out government-paid-for prenatal care and medical care during birth as well as guaranteed paid leave for parents and provide less fortunate families with free baby milk and diapers along with subsidised child care. All of this not only protects and nurtures the precious life of children but will increase the number of births by making parenthood more accessible to thousands. You can’t get more pro-life than that. Wait, hang on ** quickly checks notes**. There has been an error here. Republican politicians aren’t doing that at all. In fact, they are doing the opposite. That’s weird. It’s almost like they aren’t pro-life at all and are instead driven purely by a scientifically and morally corrupt ideology… Who would have thought?

*Disclaimer* all articles published by Beyond The Bull are satire. Some aspects of this story have been embellished. Take this piece seriously at your peril.

Way back in 2020, Trump attempted to protect US democracy and correct the “sham” 2020 election through the brilliant tactics of widespread voter fraud claims, submitting his own electors, and inciting a fun little party at the Capitol. But, crooked supporters of Sleepy Joe have claimed this act of patriotism is illegal, and Trump and his elite squad of exceptional lawyers are now hard at work keeping American Democracy safe. Trump’s defence, which in no way admits guilt, was to reinterpret the constitution so that it gives a president immunity from criminal conviction, unless he is impeached and convicted by the Senate. As pointed out by the court that outlandishly denied this reinterpretation, this would mean a President could legally dispatch Seal Team Six to take out a political rival, especially as the Senate is unlikely to impeach a president who could assassinate the entire assembly if they wanted to. Trump, outraged by the legal system impeding his and Sleepy Joe’s American rights, is appealing to the Supreme Court to right these wrongs, even if it puts him in the direct line of fire.

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The Democratic response to Trump’s appeal has been largely positive. Obama has expressed regret that his legal team didn’t push the same brilliant reinterpretation, as taking Trump out with a drone would have made 2016 a breeze. Fresh from supplying billions of dollars worth of weapons to a genocidal military, Joe Biden has stated that he hopes the Supreme Court renders their appeal verdict soon, as he has no qualms with using this new executive power in the upcoming election.

Likewise, the US’s Military Industrial Complex has unanimously expressed support for Trump’s appeal and is pushing for a speedy verdict. Spokespeople from these organisations have said if Trump wins, it could potentially open up a lucrative domestic market to weaponise presidential campaigns, and they are preparing to capitalise on the upcoming November election. The NRA has also supported Trump’s appeal, stating that it is a constitutional right for a President to kill anyone they please. However, it has also issued a statement recommending all US citizens buy semi-automatic AR15s to protect themselves, just in case the wrong candidate wins.

Insiders have leaked a tape of disgruntled Trump chastising his lawyers, claiming, “You didn’t do your job right. If you got me that immunity years ago, I could have dealt with Biden, those crooked senators, the media, all those sexual assault allegations, defamation lawsuits and this terrible fraud charge if you did your job. What’s that? It wouldn’t allow the court to overturn the fraud charge? I don’t care. I could have hired Whitehouse prostitutes to provide me with daily golden showers for four years with zero consequences. You’re fired.”

The Supreme Court has yet to decide on Trump’s appeal. The judges are split 50/50 on whether the military-industrial complex pay is worth approving the appeal and running the risk of being legally murdered by the next President. While they deliberate their verdict, they have issued a statement reassuring the US public that they are “doing their best to protect American rights and American Democracy”.

*Disclaimer* all articles published by Beyond The Bull are satire. Some aspects of this story have been embellished. Take this piece seriously at your peril.

Recently leaked documents have revealed that Tucker Carlson’s interview with Vladimir Putin was digitally edited to cover up embarrassing mistakes made by Carlson and his film crew. Neither Carlson, Putin, nor the film crew noticed that Carlson had failed to wipe away Putin’s semen from his cheek or to change his assless chaps for suit pants from a prior engagement with Putin until they arrived back in the US. These oversights had to be painfully CGIed out before the interview could air, and an entire segment of the interview had to be cut, as it was mired by Carlson failing to cover up a fart by coughing, causing a used Kremlin brand condom to fly out of his backside and onto the beautifully tiled floor behind him. This revelation has reframed the interview and caused widespread stir in the media world and across the political spectrum.

During the interview, Putin accused Americans of prolonging the struggle in Ukraine by supplying them with weapons. Body language pseudoscientists initially read Carlson’s reaction as one of disgust. But these new revelations suggest it may have been Carlson having a flashback to a few hours prior, when he was prolonging a struggle against Putin.

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Putin went on to claim that they want to denazify Ukraine by removing its democratically elected Jewish leader, which Tucker did not challenge. This was initially interpreted as evidence that both have as good a grasp on history and reality as they do equal rights, international law, decency or democracy. However, with this new information, experts believe Carlson didn’t want to challenge Putin and risk him getting the Soviet-made gimp mask and whips out again.

A second segment of the interview was also cut after Putin told Carlson he enjoyed his “personal relationship” with Donald Trump and how he detested other presidents as they had failed to reach a consensus with Russia on security matters, even when he claimed they had wanted to. In the original footage, Putin follows this up by showing Carlson a wall-mounted wispy blonde toupee that was ripped off during his last rampant meeting with Trump and explaining that he still can’t get the fake tan out of the Kremlin’s carpets.

Needless to say, these revelations have caused a considerable stir. Oil and banking executives are furious, as they believed Carlson was their exclusive soft rag doll. After now finding out he is a free-agent sub, Carlson’s colleagues have tried to get him to offer Netanyahu the same deal as he did Putin. However, they forgot that he has accused pro-Israeli groups of spreading white hate in college campuses a month after October 7th and has called Jewish Ukrainian President Zelensky “a persecutor of Christians” and “our shifty, dead-eyed Ukrainian friend”. Needless to say, Carlson’s criticism of Israel and refusal to be Netanyahu’s bitch is not wholly based on his morals surrounding innocent Muslims being slaughtered.

Republicans have reacted to this new revelation with disgust. Tulsi Gabbard, an up-and-coming Republican, was outraged. She had dreamt of being the next American to be Putin’s harlot, and has subsequently ripped up her “Mrs Tulsi Putin” scrapbook. Trump has been equally upset, telling the press, “Tucker did that for me first. In fact, he told me I was better than Putin. You can ask him; he said that.” When reporters quickly debunked these claims, Trump lashed out, insisting that Carlson is ugly and unshagable and that he never wanted him anyway, as he already has Piers Morgan strung up and ball-gaged in his basement.

The other side of the Political spectrum reacted equally intensely to this news. Biden, in particular, was shaken to his core. He has since sent a private message to Carlson urging him to change his ways and act like a true American. By which, he meant rather than giving the head honcho of America’s arch nemesis fellatio on broadcast TV, he should instead be doing multi-million-dollar deals with Putin’s Oligarchs in secret, regularly enjoying strippers, and becoming addicted to crack cocaine like his exemplary son Hunter.

However, it is possibly Carlson himself who has suffered the worst effects. Upon returning to the US, he discovered Putin had given him a surprisingly common venereal disease called Putinpuppetitis. Despite its recurrent nature in the West, no cure has yet been found. Side effects of the disease include cognitive decline, which often leads to delusions in which the patient believes whatever they want, no matter what evidence is presented to them, not believing their actions have consequences, as well as an irrational and overbearing fear of not appearing macho enough. Luckily, Carlson should easily be able to accommodate these side effects as they won’t impact his daily routine. Sadly, the disease is eventually fatal, often through unexplained defenestration brought about by the patient attempting to reconnect to their moral compass. Medical experts are unable to tell Carlson if he has days or years left. Still, I’m sure it was worth it for the exclusive scoop.

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