"Ghost Costume" Found In Tory Donor's House
UK Politics doesn't have a racism problem. I promise.
The Guardian recently reported that Frank Hester, who gave the Tory Party a whopping £10 million last year, claimed Dianne Abbot made him want to “hate all black women” and that she “should be shot.” Dianne Abbot, the UK’s first black female MP, is no stranger to such hateful criticism, having received death threats for fumbling basic maths numerous times. However, as Liz Truss, George Osbourne, and Jeremy Hunt have shown, this numerical incompetency isn’t down to race, gender or political affiliation. As such, these revelations have led to heated debate from all corners of UK politics around the issue of racism in politics.
Michael Gove has insisted that Hester’s remarks were wrong but not extremist. After all, racism isn’t an extremist ideology. In separate news, Gove has claimed that a suspicious costume found at Hester’s residency is, in fact, a hilarious ghost costume from the Tory Party’s 2020 lockdown Halloween party.
Experts are not surprised Gove can’t enforce the UK Government’s new definition of extremist. The new legislation classifies anyone who “aims to negate or destroy fundamental rights of others or undermine the UK’s system of democracy and democratic rights” as extremist. Hester’s remarks fit this definition perfectly. However, both the Labour and Tory Parties are also classified as extremists under this definition. Keir Starmer vocally supported Israel’s move to cut off water and energy to Gaza, a literal war crime, and has circumvented democratic processes to ensure his MPs don’t rebel against him and overwhelmingly vote in favour of a ceasefire in Gaza. Likewise, Rishi Sunak has given Israel and the IDF diplomatic cover to commit a possible genocide, as well as restricting UK citizen’s rights to protest, which is a crucial democratic right. As such, this legislation is a bit pot kettle black. Funnily enough, Hester hates pots and kettles, too.
Luckily, Gove and other Tories aren’t taking this legislation literally and are instead using it to crack down on the real evils in society, such as ceasefire demonstrators, climate demonstrators, any particularly vocal Muslims, anyone who wants to look out for the poor, anyone who disapproves of privatisation, and anyone who criticises Israel, even a little.
Starmer who, let’s not forget was once a humanitarian lawyer, has yet to challenge the Tory Party’s inconsistent use of this new legislation and its inability to use it against Hester. I’m sure this has nothing to do with the fact some of his donors are currently engaged in Islamophobic rhetoric and are supporting a potential genocide.
The public has overwhelmingly called for Sunak to give back Hester’s tainted funds and for a new standard to be set for political parties to not accept backing from anyone who displays such racist or discriminatory tendencies. Sunak has condemned Hester’s remarks as racist but has also refused to give back the funds and set this new standard, as such a standard would effectively defund the Tory Party.
To solve this widespread issue, rights groups have suggested that the £117 million set aside to protect Muslims from hate attacks be expanded, both in budget and in scope, to protect all minorities from the two political parties. Sadly, Jeremy Hunt simply can’t find room in his budget, as he would have to cut down on Tory corruption in order to afford such a scheme.
Possibly the most realistic solution to this issue so far comes from Keir Starmer, who has said he intends to legalise assisted dying. This way, the barely functioning Tory Party can be put out of its painful misery and die with at least a morsel of dignity. This will give retribution for Dianne and other victims of racism, but sadly won’t do anything for the smeared ceasefire protestors or the British Muslims whose family members have been killed in Palestine, in part by Starmer’s foreign policy.
*Disclaimer* all articles published by Beyond The Bull are satire. Some aspects of this story have been embellished. Take this piece seriously at your peril.