Putin’s Semen Digitally Removed From Tucker Carlson’s Cheek
Recently leaked documents have revealed that Tucker Carlson’s interview with Vladimir Putin was digitally edited to cover up embarrassing mistakes made by Carlson and his film crew. Neither Carlson, Putin, nor the film crew noticed that Carlson had failed to wipe away Putin’s semen from his cheek or to change his assless chaps for suit pants from a prior engagement with Putin until they arrived back in the US. These oversights had to be painfully CGIed out before the interview could air, and an entire segment of the interview had to be cut, as it was mired by Carlson failing to cover up a fart by coughing, causing a used Kremlin brand condom to fly out of his backside and onto the beautifully tiled floor behind him. This revelation has reframed the interview and caused widespread stir in the media world and across the political spectrum.
During the interview, Putin accused Americans of prolonging the struggle in Ukraine by supplying them with weapons. Body language pseudoscientists initially read Carlson’s reaction as one of disgust. But these new revelations suggest it may have been Carlson having a flashback to a few hours prior, when he was prolonging a struggle against Putin.
Putin went on to claim that they want to denazify Ukraine by removing its democratically elected Jewish leader, which Tucker did not challenge. This was initially interpreted as evidence that both have as good a grasp on history and reality as they do equal rights, international law, decency or democracy. However, with this new information, experts believe Carlson didn’t want to challenge Putin and risk him getting the Soviet-made gimp mask and whips out again.
A second segment of the interview was also cut after Putin told Carlson he enjoyed his “personal relationship” with Donald Trump and how he detested other presidents as they had failed to reach a consensus with Russia on security matters, even when he claimed they had wanted to. In the original footage, Putin follows this up by showing Carlson a wall-mounted wispy blonde toupee that was ripped off during his last rampant meeting with Trump and explaining that he still can’t get the fake tan out of the Kremlin’s carpets.
Needless to say, these revelations have caused a considerable stir. Oil and banking executives are furious, as they believed Carlson was their exclusive soft rag doll. After now finding out he is a free-agent sub, Carlson’s colleagues have tried to get him to offer Netanyahu the same deal as he did Putin. However, they forgot that he has accused pro-Israeli groups of spreading white hate in college campuses a month after October 7th and has called Jewish Ukrainian President Zelensky “a persecutor of Christians” and “our shifty, dead-eyed Ukrainian friend”. Needless to say, Carlson’s criticism of Israel and refusal to be Netanyahu’s bitch is not wholly based on his morals surrounding innocent Muslims being slaughtered.
Republicans have reacted to this new revelation with disgust. Tulsi Gabbard, an up-and-coming Republican, was outraged. She had dreamt of being the next American to be Putin’s harlot, and has subsequently ripped up her “Mrs Tulsi Putin” scrapbook. Trump has been equally upset, telling the press, “Tucker did that for me first. In fact, he told me I was better than Putin. You can ask him; he said that.” When reporters quickly debunked these claims, Trump lashed out, insisting that Carlson is ugly and unshagable and that he never wanted him anyway, as he already has Piers Morgan strung up and ball-gaged in his basement.
The other side of the Political spectrum reacted equally intensely to this news. Biden, in particular, was shaken to his core. He has since sent a private message to Carlson urging him to change his ways and act like a true American. By which, he meant rather than giving the head honcho of America’s arch nemesis fellatio on broadcast TV, he should instead be doing multi-million-dollar deals with Putin’s Oligarchs in secret, regularly enjoying strippers, and becoming addicted to crack cocaine like his exemplary son Hunter.
However, it is possibly Carlson himself who has suffered the worst effects. Upon returning to the US, he discovered Putin had given him a surprisingly common venereal disease called Putinpuppetitis. Despite its recurrent nature in the West, no cure has yet been found. Side effects of the disease include cognitive decline, which often leads to delusions in which the patient believes whatever they want, no matter what evidence is presented to them, not believing their actions have consequences, as well as an irrational and overbearing fear of not appearing macho enough. Luckily, Carlson should easily be able to accommodate these side effects as they won’t impact his daily routine. Sadly, the disease is eventually fatal, often through unexplained defenestration brought about by the patient attempting to reconnect to their moral compass. Medical experts are unable to tell Carlson if he has days or years left. Still, I’m sure it was worth it for the exclusive scoop.