Republicans Furious IVF Ruling Will Impact Child Labour Supply
An Alabama court ruling has backfired.
While Republicans agree with the ideology that led to an Alabama court ruling that frozen embryos have the rights of children, they are up in arms over the knock-on effects. You see, as IVF can’t be conducted without destroying unneeded or unviable frozen embryos, the practice has been halted in Alabama thanks to this ruling. This, in turn, will significantly reduce the child labour workforce, which Republican lawmakers have been dependent on to solve labour shortage issues and ensure their backer’s profits stay at a record high. It isn’t just Republicans who have denounced the knock-on effects of this ruling, as almost every aspect of society is having to adjust to accommodate it.
Hyundai, McDonald’s and 833 other US companies that rely on domestic child labour have formed a cross-industry lobbying group to fund pro-choice activists, politicians and to pay for legal representation of IVF clinicians who are arrested for murder. The group has stated that this is the most efficient way to secure their workforce. Apple, Nike and Nestlé have advised the lobby group that instead, they should use foreign child labour, as this expendable workforce is 100% legal, even more reliable, more secure, cheaper and harder working than US child labour.
The Colonel of the Alabama State Police was forced to sit through a “gross and shocking” two-hour sex education lecture to understand the implications of this ruling. During the lecture, he was horrified to discover that after fertilisation, only 35% of eggs implant into the womb successfully, and the rest are naturally flushed out during the woman’s next period. As such, police forces across Alabama have informed any women who are menstruating after unprotected sex, who have suffered a miscarriage, or who have had life-saving emergency abortions for dangerous, nonviable pregnancies to hand themselves in at the nearest Police station for immediate arrest and lifetime sentencing for murder.
Big Pharma is also outraged at this ruling. Morning After Pills, also known as Plan B Pills, have been classified as a lethal weapon. As such, they are to be sold alongside semi-automatic weapons and will require a background check and a 10-day waiting period to purchase, even in Alabama. As such, sales of the profitable drug are set to plummet. To combat this, Big Pharma has joined the NRA to ensure embryonic weaponry is protected under the Second Amendment and lift all weapon sale controls, including Morning After Pills.
But Republicans plan to utilise their famous moral consistency to solve this dilemma. In line with their pro-life stance, Republicans have announced that they will roll out government-paid-for prenatal care and medical care during birth as well as guaranteed paid leave for parents and provide less fortunate families with free baby milk and diapers along with subsidised child care. All of this not only protects and nurtures the precious life of children but will increase the number of births by making parenthood more accessible to thousands. You can’t get more pro-life than that. Wait, hang on ** quickly checks notes**. There has been an error here. Republican politicians aren’t doing that at all. In fact, they are doing the opposite. That’s weird. It’s almost like they aren’t pro-life at all and are instead driven purely by a scientifically and morally corrupt ideology… Who would have thought?
*Disclaimer* all articles published by Beyond The Bull are satire. Some aspects of this story have been embellished. Take this piece seriously at your peril.