Savage Two-Month-Old Hamas Operative Taken Out
Israel making light work of Hamas's crack squad of foetuses.
Netanyahu recently announced new insights into the heinous October 7th Hamas attack. According to Israeli sources, Hamas used a secret crack squad of foetus insurgents during the barbaric attack. The IDF has stated that they are already in the process of eliminating these dangerous individuals. One such individual, a two-month-old baby who took part in the October 7th attack before they were born as only a 7-month-old foetus, recently died from starvation caused by Israel’s besieging of Gaza. The Israeli state has since found that the entire child and infant population of Gaza were active Hamas insurgents on October 7th. As such, Netanyahu and the IDF will continue using their highly targeted and humanitarian method of driving 90% of the Gazan population into crisis levels of starvation to hold those directly responsible for the horrific October 7th onslaught to account. World leaders are capitalising on this even to secure their own power.
Rishi Sunak and Joe Biden were enthralled by how efficient and precise these Israeli counter-attacks have been. In fact, they have questioned why they need to continue to supply the IDF with bullets, missiles, bombs, white phosphorus, fighter jets, tanks and billions of dollars of military aid if a simple besieging will do the trick. Nonetheless, they aren’t planning on stopping their costly lethal care packages for Netanyahu, as supporting a good war is always a surefire way to win an election you would otherwise lose.
Keir Starmer, Labour leader and odds-on for the next UK Prime Minister, followed his experienced aides’ advice to use this delicate matter to bolster his upcoming campaign. Starmer curtailed UK democracy to squash a landslide rebellion among his MPs who, for some unknown reason, wanted to vote in favour of a ceasefire and delivery of humanitarian aid in Gaza. Starmer threatened the house speaker, ensuring the vote wouldn’t take place. This move is a sure bet to win the next election, as the UK public has historically loved tyrannical warmongers; just look at Blair.
To avoid any possible legal backlash to the US’s support of Israel’s infant killing, they have airdropped a handful of Pot Noodles into Gaza, and an Alabama court has simply ruled that bearly multicellular frozen embryos have the rights of a fully formed human child, while an actual Palestinian child does not.
Possibly the most interesting response to these new insights has been from Netanyahu himself. During a recent press conference on the discovery of the foetal insurgence, Netanyahu was asked, “Did your historic actions such as rejecting Palestinian statehood, curtailing democratic peace processes, propping up Gazan terrorist organisations, using illegal weapons against Palestinians, illegally detaining Palestinians, repeatedly denying Palestinian’s basic human rights, targeting and killing Palestinian impartial journalists, destroying inhabited Palestinian refugee camps, repeatedly killing clearly surrendering Palestinian civilians and targeting and killing Palestinian aid and medical workers cause the radicalisation that lead to the vast number of embryonic Hamas operatives?” Netanyahu put a clothes peg on his nose and replied, “No, my brilliant nationalist policies had no hand in creating this mess.” The reporter then asked, “Are the families of those killed or captured on October 7th satisfied that you didn’t catalyse that terrible day? And are they pleased with your military response in Gaza?” Netanyahu answered “Yes” so quickly his clothes peg fell off, and the reeking stench of his recently-spouted bullshit caused him to pass out on the spot ending the press conference abruptly.
**Disclaimer** This is satire, and aspects of this story have been embellished. To read the factual news stories that inspired it, go to Aljazeera, ONS, US News, GRC and the WSJ. For those who might misinterpret this piece, I want to make it 100% clear that I am strongly against antisemitism and Islamaphobia. I am specifically criticising the Israeli state and Hamas, not the wider religious groups or populations, and I deeply mourn the horrific loss of life on both sides of this idiotic conflict.