Supreme Court Makes Insurrection A Constitutional Right
Trump is back on the 2024 ballot.
The Supreme Court has reversed a Colorado court’s decision to disqualify Donald Trump from the 2024 election for engaging in insurrection on January 6th, 2021. In making this bipartisan decision, the predominantly Republican Supreme Court also found that insurrection is a constitutional right. As such, they have not only reinstated Donald Trump on the 2024 ballot but have declared that Adolf Hitler, Benito Mussolini, Vladimir Lenin, Yevgeny Prigozhin, Fidel Castro, Emilio Mola and Saif al-Adel of Al-Qaeda can also run for President.
The Supreme Court initially tried to argue that Section 3 of the 14th Amendment was incorrectly recorded. For over a century, this section of the 14th Amendment prohibited anyone who had sworn an oath to uphold the Constitution and “engaged in insurrection” from holding public office. However, the Justices insisted the scribe misheard, and the original agreed-upon section actually prohibited anyone who had “engaged in sin erection”. This argument was quickly dropped when they realised the Stormy Daniels affair could take Trump off the 2024 ballot.
Instead, the Court took a new direction and drew from the US’s rich history of toppling regimes, supporting coups, and inciting insurrections in foreign countries. After all, if the US government has the right to overthrow peaceful and/or democratic governments in Hawaii, The Philippines, Honduras, Cuba, Nicaragua, The Dominican Republic, Argentina, Chile, Panama, Venezuela and many more to access their resources or ensure US economic domination by installing totalitarian dictators, then US citizens surely have the same right to overthrow their own democratic government and install an autocratic despotic demagogue.
This argument worked, and the Supreme Court has now enshrined insurrection as a Constitutional right for all US citizens.
Reactions across the political spectrum have been vivid. The Democrats have condemned the ruling, though they have gleefully stationed reaper drones around Washington in preparation, while Republicans have cheered these newfound “freedoms.” Interestingly enough, the most vocal support for the ruling has come from the Ku Klux Klan, the American Nazi Party, Al-Qaeda, ISIS and the Taliban, who all agree that insurrection is a crucial part of any functioning country.
The ruling has also caused a stir in the US media. Fox News has bought the broadcasting rights to Inauguration Day in perpetuity and plans to cover the ensuing conflicts at the Capitol in a Super Bowl-style media spectacle. Tucker Carlson, Sean Hannity and the QAnon Shaman are slated to host the maiden Inauguration Day Live show, with a half-time performance from Kid Rock. Bookmakers have also scrambled to capitalise on the upcoming Inauguration Day and media extravaganza and are currently offering 2 to 1 odds on Biden and Trump having a bare-knuckle fistfight on the US Capitol’s lawn during the event.
*Disclaimer* all articles published by Beyond The Bull are satire. Some aspects of this story have been embellished. Take this piece seriously at your peril.