Tories Plot To Secretly Replace Sunak With ChatGPT-powered Mr Potato Head
The fool-proof plan to keep Britain Conservative.
Tory backbenchers are proverbially crapping themselves that Mr charisma himself, Rishi Sunak, can’t win the looming general election. He’s going up against a democracy-crushing, war crime-enabling, knighted lawyer with the persona of a yet-to-be-used toilet brush, so it’s no wonder Sunak is lagging in the polls. Some backbenchers have suggested that serial liar, ardent Brexiteer and Leader of the House of Commons, Penny Mordaunt should replace Sunak before the general election, as she is presently the highest polling Tory, even topping Boris. But Mordaunt’s popularity rating is only 24%, and despite the Tories wanting to continue their tradition of undermining feminism through catastrophic female leadership, many are arguing Mordaunt isn’t the answer. Instead, they insist that 21st-century problems require 21st-century solutions and suggest secretly replacing Sunak with a ChatGPT-enabled Mr Potato Head.
When you think about it, such a move is utterly genius.
ChatGPT can’t have an original idea and instead just rehashes work from decades ago, which people have already seen and hated. It makes random incorrect facts up out of thin air to support its arguments. It racially profiles people and leans into institutionalised racism. It doesn’t have the capacity to think, understand the issues at hand or contemplate the repercussions of its actions; instead, it spouts what it incorrectly thinks is the most popular answer. It is also actively causing water and energy crises (through the sheer power it consumes). It’s almost like ChatGPT was trained on Tory leadership, as Cameron, May, Johnson, Truss, and Sunak have been doing all this for years.
What’s more, ChatGPT has the same weakness as the Tory party. It’s producing so much AI-generated bumph that soon it will end up being trained on its own output, causing the AI to effectively eat itself alive and become so erratic and unstable that it becomes useless. The Tory party’s racist dog-whistling and ideological one-upping over the past 14 years has created the same echo chamber effect, causing an already Thatcherite extreme party to become deranged and fundamentally broken.
As such, the post-capitalistic nightmare fuel that is ChatGPT is the perfect face for the Tory party.
But there are some worries about this plan. Many have questioned whether the system can be trusted with the UK’s nuclear weapons and how the AI might inadvertently start WW3. The MoD has assured this won’t be a problem, as the UK’s nuclear weapons are utterly useless, as the recent Trident test demonstrated.
Elon Musk, the self-appointed king of AI who can’t even design a self-driving car that doesn’t kill people, let alone solve the trolley problem, has denounced the move and is looking to sue OpenAI to stop it from gaining such governmental control and unleashing the AI apocalypse. As a side note, Musk has also offered the Tories his anti-woke ChatGPT alternative, Grok, for the Potato Head position, which many Tories think is a better choice. After all, with Grok, the UK will die while its leader profusely uses the N-word, spouts transphobia and repeatedly claims that that mermaid should have been white. It will be like nothing has changed.
*Disclaimer* all articles published by Beyond The Bull are satire. Some aspects of this story have been embellished. Take this piece seriously at your peril.