Trump Claims Speed Keeps Him Young
DoD Report on Drug Use in the Trump Administration.
The Department of Defence (DoD) inspector general has released a report detailing how prescription drugs, including Ambien and Provigil, and controlled substances, such as methamphetamines (Speed), were widely used in the Trump administration with little to no oversight. Not only were these drugs given to stressed and overworked administrative roles, but also those within the Trump cabinet. Trump has confirmed the allegations, claiming that a cocktail of Speed, Diet Coke, and McDonald’s is his secret sauce for combating old age and staying as sharp as a whippet. In fact, the 77-year-old insisted that the only reason he keeps confusing Biden for Obama is that he no longer has access to the White House pharmacy. But the report detailed more than just Trump’s usage.
Michael Flynn was given high dosages of benzodiazepines to calm his anxiety during the Muller investigation. Sadly, Flyyn was given so much that he lost his memory of ever having communications with Russia, causing him to inadvertently lie to Vice President Mike Pence, which led to his swift firing. Jeff Sessions has also tried to copy Flyyn and claim that the benzodiazepines he was given made him forget about those two times he had communications with Russia, causing him to accidentally lie to Congress while under oath. Sadly, the report shows he was only given marijuana with the explicit purpose to “chill out and be less racist”.
The report also details that the ex-Republican Senate Leader Mitch McConnell was using vast quantities of Ambien to ensure he slept soundly, despite the piercing cries of those he denied medical care access. In fact, many are speculating that his Ambien abuse over the years is what caused him to repeatedly freeze up like my old Microsoft laptop.
Possibly, the most significant revelation from the report attains to one of Trump’s ex-advisors, George Nader. Nader, a paedophile with convictions going back to the 90s, was instrumental in Trump’s 2016 election campaign and remained close to him during the early years of his administration. Nader has claimed that repeated use of controlled drugs and prescription drugs given to him by the Trump administration induced psychosis, leading to him possessing CP and bestiality images on his phone, for which he was convicted for in 2019. Sadly, the report doesn’t back up his claims and only details him being given Viagra and Rohypnol; for what purposes, it doesn’t specify.
Medical experts have denounced the Trump Administration’s use of drugs and have refuted Trump’s claims that methamphetamines are effective at combating the cognitive decline of ageing. In fact, they have pointed out that repeated use can cause irritability, aggression, paranoia, mental illness and acute psychotic episodes. Of course, there is zero evidence Trump is suffering from any of these side effects…
Interestingly, Trump’s layers tasked with defending his Jan 6th insurrection attempt have used these revelations to pivot their entire defence. Rather than claiming Trump had Presidential Immunity and can’t be prosecuted for the insurrection, why is by no means an admission of guilt, they are now claiming that Trump was under the influence of Speed and cocaine at the time, which he was using to medicate his anxiety and depression caused by losing the election. Sadly, it turns out that inciting an insurrection under the influence is still a crime in the USA.
*Disclaimer* all articles published by Beyond The Bull are satire. Some aspects of this story have been embellished. Take this piece seriously at your peril.