Trump Joins OnlyFans To Pay For New York Fraud Bond
Poor billionaire property mogul finds a brilliant way to keep his empire.
On Wednesday, Donald Trump counter-offered his $454 million fraud penalty, proposing he could only pay $100 million. This comes after Trump’s attorneys argued that paying the total penalty would be “impossible” as the court has blocked Trump from borrowing. In response, New York Attorney General Letitia James pointed out Trump has $600 million in liquid assets and apparently has a $2.3 billion property empire, which he can use to pay the penalty; otherwise, she will seize his assets. Trump’s attorneys rebuffed this threat, stating that Trump can’t spend his liquid assets or sell properties as he has a medical condition called “Compulsive Greediness”. CG is still a little-known condition in medical science, though it is believed most boomers suffer severely from it. Despite copious evidence of Trump suffering from this horrific medical condition, the court dismissed Trump’s counter-offer. As such, Trump has launched an OnlyFans to pay for his fraud penalty.
Paying fans can watch trump screw minorities, the economy, geopolitical stability and the climate, as well as copious amounts of self-fellatio. Trump is also offering a premium tier where you can watch videos of him teaching you how to grab pussy, him being dominated by Putin, and him doing ASMR, where he yells and slurs racist self-congratulatory gibberish in your ear for over an hour. Tucker Carlson and Marjorie Taylor Greene are encouraging fellow Republicans to buy the premium tier, as they claim Trump is the perfect representation of honest Republican Christian morals.
Biden has used this as an opportunity to bolster his presidential campaign and launched his own OnlyFans. On Biden’s rival page, you can watch him fuck up the Middle East, inappropriately touch women, pull out too quickly and forget what he is doing in the middle of intercourse. Unlike Trump’s page, Biden’s profits will go directly to his mate Netanyahu and the IDF. Sadly, the page isn’t selling well; buyers are waiting to see if Bernie Sanders or Michelle Obama will release their Only Fans.
In contrast, Trump’s OnlyFans has been so wildly popular that the poor old real estate mogul has announced he is on track to keep his billion-dollar property empire and liquid assets. Some analysts have called into question whether Trump is actually turning a profit on this content, as the cost of a daily full-body spray fake tan and single-use lifelike penis extensions is likely exceeding the page’s current revenue. This issue is compounded by the fact Trump is being sued for fraud and false advertising over the page, as the only content posted so far is of him eating a burger naked whilst posting gobshite on Truth Social. I guess you can’t teach a very old, racist, tyrannical, pathological lying, avaricious dog new tricks.
*Disclaimer* all articles published by Beyond The Bull are satire. Some aspects of this story have been embellished. Take this piece seriously at your peril.