Trump To Spend Ukraine Aid Funds On Incontinent Russian Hookers If Elected
Trump's plan for peace in Ukraine.
Tyrannical Hungarian PM and long-time Trump supporter Viktor Orbán has claimed that Trump will end the Ukrainian-Russian war by not giving Ukraine a single penny in military aid and instead spend the funds on incontinent Russian sex workers for himself. This will solve the Ukrainian conflict in the same way that Trump’s friend Epstein solved his legal woes. Orbán’s revelations break just hours after Trump’s ex-chief of staff, John Kelly, claimed Trump repeatedly spoke to him about how much he adored Putin and Kim Jong-un and even how Hitler “did some good things.” Kelly has even claimed that Trump tried to show him his best goose step, though he couldn’t manage more than a few poorly executed steps without his trousers falling down.
Orbán has relayed Trump’s plan to Putin, who has agreed to the terms as long as an FSB agent can record Trump with the sex workers so that he can really pad out his Trump blackmail dossier. Upon hearing the news, Russian sex workers have declared they have “seized the means of production” by unionising and refusing to service Trump in protest against the Ukrainian invasion and the death of Navalny. An aide has tried to explain this situation to Trump, though they are having a hard time explaining to him that “seizing the means of production” and “grab them by the pussy” mean very different things.
Multiple high-level Republicans have come out to condemn Trump’s plan, as it would still send American money overseas, and are imploring him to use good old American prostitutes instead. However, they are insisting Trump uses his Presidential Immunity rather than legalise sex work, as they can’t bear the thought of them pushing any remotely progressive legislation. Plus, it being illegal is half of the fun for them. Raytheon, Lockheed Martin and other members of the military-industrial complex share the same concerns as the GOP and are looking to start pimping in the Russian domestic market to ensure revenue stays stable if Trump is elected.
A bipartisan group of ex-presidents and high-ranking politicians have banded together to write Trump a formal letter addressing his proposed Ukraine plans. The letter reportedly assures Trump that he can continue to solicit prostitutes and carry on the presidential tradition of sexual misbehaviour without sacrificing European safety and peace, as he is the one going bankrupt from court fines, not the US government.
*Disclaimer* all articles published by Beyond The Bull are satire. Some aspects of this story have been embellished. Take this piece seriously at your peril.