Trump Tower To be Turned Into Mosque
Trump's heroic pleads to keep his golden phallic ego monument.
Bad news. Trump still can’t get a bond loan for his $454 million New York fraud trial appeal bond. Moreover, his OnlyFans has failed to garner enough traction to pay. New York Attorney General Letitia James plans to put a lien on Trump Tower if Trump can’t cough up and proposes to turn the Manhattan complex into the world’s tallest Mosque to service New York’s 1.5 million Muslims if Trump loses his appeal. In fact, Trump’s penthouse will be turned into the world’s highest and most cramped minaret. As Trump is not a narcissistic and racist bigot who has a high likelihood of losing the appeal and is only really appealing to try and not have a multi-billion dollar fraud charge against his name during the election, he is fine with Letitia’s plans. That being said, Trump isn’t taking this lying down and is trying to find an alternative way to pay to save his pride and joy.
But why can’t Trump pay? He is a billionaire many times over, right?
Well, it’s all down to Trump’s brilliant business strategy. You see, by massively overvaluing his properties to banks and other financial institutions, some by as much as 2300%, a move that is definitely not fraudulent at all, at least for people as important as Trump, he can use all that extra borrowing to buy more assets and appear way richer. Now, of course, those damn democratic judges who crookedly follow the letter of the law will eventually find him guilty of “fraud.” But, you see, Trump’s entire real estate empire will be in negative equity, meaning each property has more borrowed against it than it is actually worth. That way, Trump can’t sell his properties or even use them as collateral for a loan to pay for an appeal bond! What a genius businessman.
However, a famous billionaire like Trump has many more ways to raise funds than banks. He has friends in high places willing to back him all the way!
Trump has already called up his close friend and on-again-off-again supporter Elon Musk to see if he can lend him a few hundred million. Sadly, Musk is having money troubles too. Something about borrowing $22.4 billion in loans to buy a barely profitable company worth only $14.6 billion. Sounds like he shares Trump’s sharp business acumen.
He then tried to contact his old brilliant finance guy, the one with the lovely island. Sadly, it turns out he died while on suicide watch a few years ago. Trump doesn’t think this is suspicious, as he believes “suicide watch” is a show where you watch someone commit suicide.
Dejected, Trump then turned to payday loan lenders. After all, Trump believes that he will become president next January, no matter the election outcome, and he can make another $1.6 billion during his next term, just as he did in his previous one, to pay off the loan. But sadly, payday loans are illegal in New York.
Luckily for Trump, there is one last place he could raise the funds: his backers. Surely, his donors, who are themselves billionaires and have paid him millions in political backing in the past, would be happy to lend him this money. After all, they want to give his 2024 bid the best possible chance. Sadly, none of them are willing to lend! It’s almost like they don’t believe he can win the appeal, or have faith in his 2024 bid, or even his ability to lead a successful coup.
Trump isn’t the kind of guy to beg for leniency from the court, so instead, he is looking at selling his other assets to pay the bond. Trump has put a load of government documents on eBay after finding another crusty toilet block at Mar-A-Logo full of them. He is even planning on auctioning off his semen, as surely people who pay top dollar for billionaire DNA. Sadly, auction houses aren’t as optimistic, as he has proven to be a sire that produces chinless slack-jaw idiots with as much self-awareness and intelligence as a loud wet fart in a packed elevator.
*Disclaimer* all articles published by Beyond The Bull are satire. Some aspects of this story have been embellished. Take this piece seriously at your peril.