Trump Wants Biden To Assassinate Him
Trump is protecting US democracy.
Way back in 2020, Trump attempted to protect US democracy and correct the “sham” 2020 election through the brilliant tactics of widespread voter fraud claims, submitting his own electors, and inciting a fun little party at the Capitol. But, crooked supporters of Sleepy Joe have claimed this act of patriotism is illegal, and Trump and his elite squad of exceptional lawyers are now hard at work keeping American Democracy safe. Trump’s defence, which in no way admits guilt, was to reinterpret the constitution so that it gives a president immunity from criminal conviction, unless he is impeached and convicted by the Senate. As pointed out by the court that outlandishly denied this reinterpretation, this would mean a President could legally dispatch Seal Team Six to take out a political rival, especially as the Senate is unlikely to impeach a president who could assassinate the entire assembly if they wanted to. Trump, outraged by the legal system impeding his and Sleepy Joe’s American rights, is appealing to the Supreme Court to right these wrongs, even if it puts him in the direct line of fire.
The Democratic response to Trump’s appeal has been largely positive. Obama has expressed regret that his legal team didn’t push the same brilliant reinterpretation, as taking Trump out with a drone would have made 2016 a breeze. Fresh from supplying billions of dollars worth of weapons to a genocidal military, Joe Biden has stated that he hopes the Supreme Court renders their appeal verdict soon, as he has no qualms with using this new executive power in the upcoming election.
Likewise, the US’s Military Industrial Complex has unanimously expressed support for Trump’s appeal and is pushing for a speedy verdict. Spokespeople from these organisations have said if Trump wins, it could potentially open up a lucrative domestic market to weaponise presidential campaigns, and they are preparing to capitalise on the upcoming November election. The NRA has also supported Trump’s appeal, stating that it is a constitutional right for a President to kill anyone they please. However, it has also issued a statement recommending all US citizens buy semi-automatic AR15s to protect themselves, just in case the wrong candidate wins.
Insiders have leaked a tape of disgruntled Trump chastising his lawyers, claiming, “You didn’t do your job right. If you got me that immunity years ago, I could have dealt with Biden, those crooked senators, the media, all those sexual assault allegations, defamation lawsuits and this terrible fraud charge if you did your job. What’s that? It wouldn’t allow the court to overturn the fraud charge? I don’t care. I could have hired Whitehouse prostitutes to provide me with daily golden showers for four years with zero consequences. You’re fired.”
The Supreme Court has yet to decide on Trump’s appeal. The judges are split 50/50 on whether the military-industrial complex pay is worth approving the appeal and running the risk of being legally murdered by the next President. While they deliberate their verdict, they have issued a statement reassuring the US public that they are “doing their best to protect American rights and American Democracy”.
*Disclaimer* all articles published by Beyond The Bull are satire. Some aspects of this story have been embellished. Take this piece seriously at your peril.