US Airdrops Apology Letters Into Gaza
The US saves the day.
The US has carried out its first airdrop of humanitarian aid into Gaza. The aim is to solve the famine crisis facing the besieged Gazan population by supplying the over 600,000 people facing severe food insecurity with 38,000 meals. US officials have argued that since Jesus would have been an Arab Palestinian Jew, Gazans should also be able to make these meals stretch and feed the 5,000 just like he did. The mission also airdropped apology letters to Rafah to reassure the starving populace that our thoughts and prayers are with them. Sadly though, so are our bombs and bullets. US officials have insisted this mission is not a thinly veiled attempt to avoid being found complicit in genocide by South Africa’s ongoing case against Israel at the ICJ. Instead, they claim this is just another example of the US conducting yet more of its famously empathetic, kind, and law-abiding actions in the Middle East.
According to reports, the airdropped letters apologised to the displaced, wounded, starving and bereaving survivors of the US’s arming, supplying billions of dollars of funds and giving global diplomatic cover to a government and military that has conducted collective punishment against them, routinely breached their human rights, held them in an open-air prison for decades, used illegal weapons against them, channelled funds to terrorists within their borders, destroyed their healthcare system, demolished 70% of their homes, illegally detained hundreds of citizen in inhuman conditions, called for the complete annexation and occupation of their land, referred to them as “human animals” and compared them to “Amalek”. We are yet to find out how survivors in Gaza have responded to this rare, honest and transparent admission by the US, as journalists aren’t allowed into Gaza, and American bullets and bombs have somehow killed all Palestinian journalists and their families.
As such, the US has no credible way to verify whether these letters or the aid has made it to those in Rafah. As such, they have supplied the IDF with Massive Ordnance Penetrator (MOP) bombs, also known as Bunker Busters, to ensure even those sheltering in Rafah receive the aid.
Israeli state spokesman Eylon Levi has applauded the airdrop, claiming they show how humanitarian their conflict with Hamas is whilst conveniently avoiding why the US had to resort to airdropping the aid rather than delivering via the roadways the IDF are blockading and why Gazans need this level of aid in the first place. Despite military funding and arms supply continuing to flow unimpeded from the US to Israel, even in the face of credible genocide accusations, Netanyahu and other Israeli representatives are not as happy as Eylon about the airdrop and have accused Joe Biden and the US Air Force of being Hamas Sympathisers. In unrelated news, the IDF has announced there is a crucial Hamas HQ underneath the White House and is planning to take it out in the coming days.
*Disclaimer** This is satire, and aspects of this story have been embellished. For those who might misinterpret this piece, I want to make it 100% clear that I am strongly against antisemitism and Islamaphobia. I am specifically criticising the Israeli state and Hamas, not the wider religious groups or populations, and I deeply mourn the horrific loss of life on both sides of this idiotic conflict.